The dream of having children slowly began fading once hitting my mid 20’s. Due to having hypothyroidism, most doctors appointments would end in, “If you’re planning on having a family now is the time.” Is that even ethical to say anymore? Anywho, aware of my prime baby time dwindling, during those years, God had asked me to break off a longterm relationship & leave a life I built to have an ideal future (or so I thought). The possibility of not being able to bear children was a wound that hurt so deeply. My worth as a woman felt compromised & I couldn’t see any man wanting to consider a life with someone who couldn’t provide an essential female function.
If you can read back in older posts, I speak about how moving home into my parents’ house for the last three, going on four years now has been a time of healing. Since commuting back & forth to New York City was no longer an option, I had to seek a new way to gain income. One late night I couldn’t sleep, the Lord was practically daring me to do something I was struggling to do, yep (haha), make a care.com profile. Before I knew it, this fantastic family invited me for an interview with their sweet seven-year-old girl, Lydia.
It was definitely a God-appointed moment which led to me working with the family for the last three years. Spending time with Lydia opened a part of myself that felt stolen. She is a magnificent child filled with all the imagination & fairy dust. It is hard not to laugh but also be in wonder at the comments she says & things she does. I’d catch myself saying, “Maybe, someday, I’ll be a mom to a seven-year-old (now 12 years old going on 20 lol).” But then my still bruised soul would just respond in “No, that’s not what God has meant for me.”
In the Summer of 2018, the family welcomed a new baby girl, Maislyn Joy into the world. Holding this tiny wrinkled bundle was one of the scariest but incredible moments of my life. They entrusted me with caring for her when it was time for both parents to return back to work. Of course, they left me with tons of direction and as the days passed nurturing her became second nature.
At the same time, I began watching Maislyn, I was having a lot of health issues. The doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong hormonally & my hypo-thyroid symptoms became unbearable. Physically weak, my body began not to do things that an average healthy body would do. It became a struggle to get out of bed along with holding on to the hope that God would one day heal me. Funny thing is, throughout all the puke, poop, giggles & cries the Lord forced me to not think only of my condition. When Maisy hit about 5 months, she needed a procedure that required a lot of monitoring for recovery to protect her from infection. The weeks after surgery was intense, that’s when God showed & taught me so much tenderness. As Maisy would lay for hours on my chest, listening to my heartbeat while she slept, I prayed over and held her as if she were my own. In those moments, I felt such a warm desire in my heart that I almost felt guilty to have. Months went by & the once very fragile babe quickly became this firey fearless little human. In parallel through perseverance & faith, I too got better! Whatever wacky things making me ill the Lord healed. Praise Jesus!
I could end this post with Gods miracle in restoring me & move on, but I wouldn’t be giving him the glory for all the other things he revealed to me. On the days I felt I could no longer go on, the Lord in a whisper would say, “It’s not about you.” Even when I was too tired to think the Lord said: “Pray.”
Seeing Maislyn every morning showed me, I DO have what it takes to be a mom in the future no matter what that looks like. In those moments, she needed all the hugs & love God showed me how to care for her, I helped keep her alive ya’ll! The love for this tiny soul was so pure at times I could cry (I’m always crying).
Now at 31, my outlook on the worry about a future family and what doctors estimate has changed. Having children seems like a blessing but ALOT of work. It takes a team to raise a child & I wouldn’t want to go through that stage of life alone. The fear that a man would have a hard time investing in someone who might not be able to produce a life has become something of the past. God knows exactly what I need in a future husband, the man that he is preparing for me will love me just as I am because my father in heaven loves me just the way I AM. Plus, being the man of God (I’m sure he is), he will already have the faith that in the name of Jesus anything is possible. Do you know how many predicted barren women existed in the bible? Did you also know, almost every single one was blessed with a child from God? Some of them even in their late 100’s, can you imagine?! If the Lord did it back then, who is to say that he won’t do it when the time is right for me too. Until then, I have obtained so much more gratitude & contentment for where I am right now in life. In this gifted period of singleness, I am free to serve the Lord on a whim. There is no responsibility for another person (child or partner) that can hold me back from answering a mission calling to El Salvador and wherever else, God leads.
One of my favourite verses, Ephesians 2:10, gives an amazing overall perspective.
“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.”
Each obstacle we encounter isn’t meant to keep us without hope. Think of it this way, if we were all born with full knowledge of the world, there would be no need to seek God’s guidance. Since we are beautifully created to be beings of improvement & an example of Christ, part of our journey will include growing pains. Although uncomfortable, these aches within the stretching out of our limits begin birthing a new season that God wants to start.
Kind of ironic that I ended up being a nanny here in the states to now getting ready to serve with Kings Castle El Salvador working with children. Who knows? Maybe one day I will start an orphanage in Latin America or not only have kiddos of my own but also adopt many. The role of a spiritual mom to possible young adults or teens is something new that I have been trying to wrap my head around. Be encouraged that the enemy will try to steal the vision you create for a future, but that doesn’t have any influence over what GOD has/is creating for your purpose. Whatever you saw as lost is now given a NEW HOPE. Maybe, years from now when Lydia & Maisyln are old enough they’ll read this and know how much they have impacted my heart. Although I have no idea of the Lord’s timeline, as I keep the desire to have a family one day nestled safely in Gods hands, I plan to love on every kiddo as if they were my own through the Lord’s example of his love for ALL of us.
P.S. Thank You, Kelley, Rick, & Malachai for blessing me with knowing your family.
Keep the peace & God Bless;