Joan & The Big Apple

Do you remember the Bible story Jonah & The Whale? The cliff notes version is God hits up Jonah to go to the city of Nineveh and spread the holy word, instead of listening, Jonah goes ghost in result ends up getting swallowed by Free Willy. Don’t worry; Jonah realizes he was being a big turkey and eventually pulled up his big boy pants, got spit out by the whale and proceeded to do what God had asked in the first place.

Like Jonah, have you ever ran away from something because the need of what YOU want was greater? Or have you ever looked back at points in your life where a bunch of drama could have been avoided if you just listened?

New York City is my spirit animal. A native New Yorker I feel the most alive winding through streets overflowing with people while listening to the soundtrack of sirens & the hum of subways beneath my feet. There is nothing more enjoyable than waking up early attending a yoga class and grabbing my Starbucks skinny vanilla latte before work (basic I am aware), My days were stimulated by different cultures at every corner along with the chance of adventures dancing the night away. Ever since relocating I have been clawing every attempt to return to my beloved New York. When it looks like a door is potentially opening suddenly it closes along with the city skyline shrinking further and further away.

All I keep repeating is that I want my life back. I want my bodega egg bacon cheese and to not have to own a car. I want to be able to order nondairy milk without someone staring at me like a deer in headlights. I want to go to brunch with friends and feel like Carrie from Sex In City again.

If you’ve been paying attention to my words, there are a few I WANT’s in that last paragraph. For months I’ve been dodging to figure out the answer to why I have been placed back to the land of mountains and isolation. Just as children do, my hands over my ears while singing loudly because my head just wants to keep moving towards what society expects of me and what I think my life should be. My heart tugs into a direction of heaviness, like a compass I still can’t navigate. The feeling of most mornings is equivalent to a bad hangover. Every visit to the Big Apple is a high of a reality that isn’t my own, at least for right now. When I return from a few days in dreamland “poof,” it seems I’ve turned back into a pumpkin stuck on the vine still unsure if I am to be used for a delicious pie or to rot.

Maybe the reason is, it’s not what the world wants or what I want, it has to come down to what God wants for my life. By all means, there is no definite certainty of what that is. To be honest, the unknown is terrifying, but at this point when looking back at all the extra hurdles there had been just to bring me back full circle there has to be a reason to why right? So like Jonah, the day of tightening my ponytail and facing the music (YOLO) is quickly approaching but also like the story there is a chance of everything turning out way better than I could have ever planned.



Crys xo












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