Living But Not Alive
Prayer is known to have high power, it brings the ill back health, and when people join miracles happen. So why is it usually done half- heartedly? Praying was always spoken at the end of day right when my head hit the pillow, and most of the time I would be drifting off before finishing what I wanted to say. Throughout my young adulthood, you could have called me “anti-Christian.” I lived my days conscious of a higher power but proceeded in a lax mentality. Before your imagination runs off, allow me to say I never got into any kind of big trouble, drugs never interested me and the fear of disappointing my family always kept me in the right. I’d be lying to you if drinking champagne and dancing until sunrise weren’t weekly activities. What girl do you know who doesn’t like to put on a dress and hit the dance floor? Aware of my daily actions it was important to me to be a “good person” to the core. One day this need to get back in touch with my faith became a thirst that could not be satisfied. Slowly I was making an effort to listen & read books that were faith inspired. At that time, I was going through an internal struggle, fighting if I should stay where I was or move on.
Although I wasn’t ready to get involved in a church, I created my ritual dedicated to prayer. Every day I woke up early to hit the gym and on my 15-minute walk to the G train I would pray out loud. “God if you want me to stay, then please give me the strength to stay, if you expect me to leave, fill me will the courage to leave.” I would say this in hopes deep down that it would turn out that leaving wouldn’t be necessary because at the time I thought my place was where I already was. My prayers were answered and no surprise the result wasn’t what I had planned.
On Sunday my mother had the idea of taking me to church, that particular day the youth pastor spoke a message that I truly believe God wanted me to hear. It was about living life out of the safety of our comfort zone.
After that, I knew what the next step was, but was a little hesitant the grip of holding on to a little bit of hope that things still could turn around into what “I” wanted. I continued my prayer “God if you want me to leave, please give me the courage to leave” Within two weeks, a water pipe broke, and my beautiful Brooklyn studio flooded so bad that the ceiling came down. You would think that was the worst part but shortly after roaches infested the whole house. It was literally like every element was pushing me out to go and so I obeyed. The decision to stop fighting what was calling me home wasn’t easy, every hurdle brings me closer to figuring things out, my relationship with God is growing. I also prayed for patience, eight months have flown by and he still working with me.
Open Heart & Open ears
As seasons pass little doors, have been opening, or people come into my life at right the time which has me feeling hopeful that God’s plan is in the works. So, as before I continue to pray but the words have changed a bit. “Thy will be done, If this is where you want me to stay then give me the wisdom to stay, If not, Give me the courage to leave.” Still unsure of what the future holds I pray and know that God will give me an answer. It may not be the answer I want to hear, but there is no doubt eventually it will come.